Boss, you really are horrible at this kind of stuff.

August here. Found this kicking around the drafts and thought I'd take a look. Firstly, Spence: I've taken the liberty of making this a page, not a post, and linking it on the front page. Steele, Sam, and Doc: I've made your comments a little easier to differentiate and added a few of my own. Additions have been made as well.

The summary will be in a constant state of flux as things happen (as summaries tend to include future events, hence the need for... well, you know.) and the others start looking this over. 

I'll try and keep the comments from overpowering the content and the content itself mostly organized, but no promises. I figure if I can keep our delivery and payment records in check and still find time to do everything else, I should be able to handle this. It's not like I'll be doing it alone, and hey; Spencer's already written most of it.

I’m not even sure why I bother.

It’s been four five six seven months. Seven months since we jumped on the bandwagon and joined into this little gathering of the damned and everything has gone to hell since. Not to say that it wouldn’t have gone to hell anyways; but everything just seems so much easier to blame on someone else when you’re blogging about it. It’s all about disassociation; that’s how we say sane, or as sane as anyone in our situation can stay.

Anyways. I’ve noticed that we’ve reached over a hundred posts; hey, guys, what were you saying about not wanting a blog? And heck; maybe some of you Stalked don’t have time to archive binge, you lazy sort. So I’m going to be nice and sum up the last seven months for you.

(Oh, look what I found; the Boss spending some of his valuable time re-reading his own blog. How narcissistic can you get? I mean seriously. I also bet he won't re-read this post before he chucks it up on the world wide web, so I'm going to do some on-the-fly proofreading. Can hardly expect him to be entirely honest about it all, yes? He does so have a problem with honesty. ~Steele)

So team; here’s the summary of how /STUPID/ we’ve been since we started up this shit.

Month one: In which you get to meet a team of asshole Couriers

(Yes, the capitalization is necessary.)

So I’m really yet to introduce myself. Hey, the name is Spencer Fitzgerald, and guess what? I run this blog, along with my team of couriers; we’ll deliver anything if you pay the right price. And what is that price?

Anything that means something to you. You call that a dick move?

I call it… accessible pricing. (We're not complaining anyway, we get paid by Spence, who got his money from...other sources. He can keep your heirlooms, we get hard cash. ~Steele)

I don’t work along, of course; I have my team: August, who’s best described as “Mister Mom”; frilly apron and all, Steele, our resident druggie (Though I hardly deserve that title anymore; Doc is giving me a run for my money ~Steele) (Oh come on, it's not like I'm choosing to get shot and thrown against walls repeatedly. Also, I'm not the one with a massive bag of dried mushrooms beneath my bed. -Doc) and overall badass (I still deserve this one, though <3 ~Steele), Todd, who could probably break you in half without trying, Amanda, our ruff and gruff smoking chick, Doc, (self-explanatory), and Sam, our newbie. (Even if we get new people I'll still be the newbie. Pretty sure. -Sam)

We’re an odd bunch, but we get the job done. Usually. (Unless the Boss is too busy being a dickbag and/or spilling his guts to function, which is a considerable portion of the time ~Steele)

Introintrointrointrointrointrointro. Simple stuff. Mentions of a delivery. August goes and nearly gets beaned while fixing a radio tower, Todd finds out that August is not a girl. (In my defence, the Proxy would have put Todd to shame in terms of heigh and weight and I wasn't about to let him get the upper hand. Also, it's an honest mistake. -August)

Month two: In which we all get Looped and react like rank amateurs

I lay down the laws of deliveries for the well-being of my team, they ignore me; we get to the pick-up after staying only one step ahead of our Slender friend and cut through the zombie hordes as quickly as possible.

And here’s where we make a mistake. We stop for a rest, a something, and someone hands off a bit of food to a Runner kid.

Too slow.

Nothing goes too badly until we reach the drop-off city, Detroit.

For the un-initiated, maybe some of you call them Mazes or Labyrinths, but Loops are your own personal slice of hell; bits of re-written blank spaces most probably located between layers of reality that you can’t leave, can’t change, can’t see through. Easy to explain in theory, but if you’ve been in one, well, you’ll know it.

Loop time is often different from outside time; we were only there for a few hours, but by the time we had gotten out, it had been three days. Seemingly no worse for the wear (and down about twenty incendiary devices); we make the drop-off and head back to the House. (Twenty-one, and I lost my knife. Still kind of miss it. The bowie knife doesn't have quite the same feel to it. -August)

Enter chaos.

Todd posts some kind of screenplay involving a startling lack of capital letters and ominous Latin and I have to go find his sorry ass, Doc starts tripping THE FUCK out (Popping six Vicodin at once tends to do that to you. -Doc), Amanda returns from her solo delivery and obviously is FUCKING confused.

And it gets worse. Much, much worse.

Sam starts hearing voices; it was her first time being Looped and it doesn’t… it’s not exactly easy on your body or your mind. Steele becomes CONVINCED that she’s in The Wing and forays into my own personal slice of hell.

Oh Leon, you should have known better… (Fuck you, buddy. ~Steele)

August start having a reaction to end all reactions (we can still smell his tar-vomit when we stand close to the sink on a bad day) (Hey, it's not that bad. It's not like you spend much time in the kitchen. -August) and sends Amanda and Doc after him. And do they find him? Of course they do!

… They also find Him.


Steele, like a badass action hero and a rank idiot, tries to shoot Him; keyword tries; his whole hand goes ‘splode-y and now he’s a hand cripple, which seem to be making a league of their own. (I prefer to think of it as me being on the cutting edge of the latest trends, thank you very much, honey, ~Steele)

In between this, I'm spilling bits of my DARK AND TROUBLED PAST. Spoooooooky. (It's hard to proof-read when Spence makes the snide comments about himself. But still. Spooooooooooky. ~Steele)

“Spencer is just there. I don't remember him being there, I don't remember him getting there and I didn't give a shit because Spencer was fucking there.

Somehow he managed to hoist me up over his shoulder and take Steele's weight. Everything after that is a bit of a blur of dizziness and blackgraywhite. I came to in the kitchen with the others. Someone drank all my coffee, my cigs were gone, it smelled like crap from August's vomit, and I didn't care. Because we were all there and whole, as far as I could tell. And that was more than most people like us could say.”

I had dropped off Todd and forayed into The Wing to stop this nonsense.

Steele is injured (Merely a flesh wound! ~Steele) (Yeah, a flesh wound that you've kept gloved up and hasn't healed in... how long has it been? Two months? -August) but is too much of an incredible idiot to stay put, so he goes on a delivery on his own. August has his birthday and goes off on his own as well, and so does Todd. (The cake was delicious. Remind me why I do long deliveries, again? You know I hate driving and the House always stinks of popcorn when I come back because some people think using the microwave will not butcher my beautiful food. -August)

(After all of this, I post Everything We Know About the Boss, and take some... liberties about what I say and don't say. Alright, I lied. A lot. There's... a lot I know that I haven't exactly told anybody. But given the current state of affairs I guess it's time I start working on 'Everything We Know About the Boss: Honesty Edition.' -August)

Then the wedding of Cam and Jake from “Take the Myth”It’s a well documented event, so here’s the just of it; August got hilariously drunk, (I've still got some numbers, you know. Some guy in New York keeps calling me an insisting my name is Jeff or something. Should probably do something about that... -August) Morningstar showed up, but everything worked out better than expected.

… And then Cam was murdered.

I don’t remember a lot from here. Todd comes back but his trip sucked balls, according to the lower-case kid, and I, apparently, freaked the FUCK out. Yeah, I do that. The team finds me on a streetcorner near the place they’re meeting Elaine, covered in blood. I’m pretty sure none of it was mine. (And then he went in a diner and flipped out. -Sam)

… fuck.

(It should be noted that I dragged Sam and Amanda all the way to Texas for Elaine, something I haven't apologized for yet. Along the way I do some... reflection, Amanda joins in, and Spence has his breakdown in 'it's white here.' -August)

Elaine gets some words of…. Encouragement and we head back to the House; Doc posts some of her research, and it’s damn well time for a rest.

Month three: In which the Team confronts demons, most of them personal

A small delivery, I get the shit beaten out of me, end up in New York, get back, Doc goes on a solo. (We end up in New York a lot, huh? I guess it's just so close. We should considering setting up a safehouse there sometime. -August)

And then because having a few days without someone self-destructing is a godamn impossibility… Todd posts how he’d like to brutally murder us all. Lovely, eh? Luckily he’s not in the House. Steele goes after him; TL;DR brings him home fine(No thanks necessary. Not that I got any. ~Steele) (I thanked you! -August) albeit ruined in the head; I had done good work, keeping the three separate personalities apart; and later Todd actually got a good amount of control over them, but that’s another story.

While this was going on, I was doing a delivery to… well, I guess you could call him a friend.

I come home, and Steele isn’t too happy with me. No, fuck… Everything goes to hell again. Todd keeps shifting and it’s making him HURT; Doc comes back in the middle, bleeding (Or so I'm told. -Doc), and those two are hardly in the best shape as it is.

They send Sam to go get something and she finds me while I’m… well. I call it cleansing. What it means is that I’m pinned open like a cadaver while I cut black shit out of me. (And what THAT means is we can never be too sure when our Glorious Leader will become our Glorious Executioner. ~Steele) It’s far from pretty and far from pleasant and Sam heads for the biggest closet she could find. (This House has great closets. -Sam) (And crawlspaces. So many crawlspaces. Where do you think they keep all the porn? Don't think I don't know~ And by the way, Steele? Keep it classy. -August)

And as if things weren’t bad enough, after all this calms down a bit it becomes apparent that Steele’s lost all faith in my leadership. We get into a fight, and I drag him into the Wing.

… We haven’t really fought since. (Can't argue with that. ~Steele)

Doc was forced to kill her former fiancé on that delivery (Abusive dickbag that he was. -Doc), and goes to tend to Todd, and August is off to do a delivery in Vegas. 

… and things go quiet until I get a MYSTERIOUS PHONECALL, of course connected to our favourite Amalgamation Sage, and end up Looped while I drag a coffin to the desert. Awesome. Come home okay. Ish.

The next few weeks are full of monotony. Todd gets fixed (ish), Steele goes on a delivery for a “Doctor Rivers”. (Charming bloke, too, though last seen in the company of the OTHER men in black, somewhere in the vicinity of Area 51. ~Steele)

Month four: In which everything goes to hell again

There’s a good two week lull between Steele’s delivery and what happens next.

Morningstar. If you don’t know his name than you should by now, because he’s one of the most famous proxies out there. Elaine and I staged a rescue, and he was in the House for a while.

Doc was far from pleased and I sent her on another delivery. Steele and August end up on vacation in Vegas, strangely enough. (Strange? The most famous murderer in all the lands, next to Mr. Fitzgerald and his bonny lass Elaine, was in our basement. Anyone sane wouldn't want to be there. ~Steele) (While the vacation was nice and thank you, Steele, I would have much rather been at home. I can't help but think what might have happened if I had been around to keep an eye on everybody. I don't think I really want to go on long deliveries for a while. -August)

But as it stands, I wasn’t doing well, and it seemed like we were going to have a repeat of “-surgery-“ if things went the least bit wrong.

Valtiel, Star’s handler, showed up and beat the ever loving CRAP out of me, leaving me half dead as Slender himself made an appearance in my kitchen. Doc arrives in the nick of time to perform the procedure (it had gotten to the point that I thought I’d die if I started cutting. Logical I’m not when I’m like that), but the damage is done; Elaine and Star are on the run and I’m not doing well. (I'm so touched that you remembered to include the fact that I fixed you up, then fell into a coma for about four days because I had been using speed as a substitute for sleep while performing a delivery that ended in three deaths, and almost killed me too. -Doc)

… heh, even now…

A post shows up under my name, but we all know who it’s from. Writer. A smarmy bastard, my former partner who was utterly obsessed with me when I was with Them three years ago. (You two make a lovely couple. ~Steele)

(Yes darling, you got mentioned too, wave hello you fucking piece of shit.) (Lovely couple. ~Steele)

August and Steele get back and I might as well be patchwork, (Might as well be? Don't kid yourself, boss. -August) but he’d just hurt them more if I didn’t go see him…

So a cuppa joe and a strange co-incidence later, Opal and Nemo are chilling about, until Opal takes off, of course.

Month five: In which everything gets so much worse

(... And what Spence forgets to mention is this incident, in which Opal has an episode and I nearly get choked to death. (I'm fine, thanks for asking; neck hurts and my voice is rough but otherwise good.) Spencer proceeds to flip out and attempts to reduce Opal's head to chunky salsa by smashing it against the ground before dragging her into the Wing to do... god knows what. I leave for Elaine, who's in the hospital after problems of her own.

While I'm there, she gets a call from Spence... no, Teller, because apparently Spence has given up on keeping his mask up. Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to find him before things get any worse. -August)


And of course it got worse. Because everything always gets worse, everything always comes to an ultimatum, and I find myself only fucking updating this thing because I don't want one measly post to be my fucking legacy. So much has happened, so much has gone on that I haven't even brushed on...

I left.

I left on assignment. Proxy assignment. Knew I was losing it badly and couldn't afford to be on their side. Not yet. So everyone gets a nice little facefull of the big scaaary boss doing his former job.

They're less than pleased.

And I don't blame them, because it turns out we have one more assignment to do.

... I don't remember much from here. Just pain. Lots and lots of pain. We get into the Loop and the fog starts to clear and I realized my hands...

Bits and pieces. I remember black and obsidian and ichor, I remember Him being there with me and... not much else.

Todd and August summed that whole fiasco up a lot better than I ever could. I just... I woke up, and for the first time there was no fog and Amanda's legs were wrecked and Steele was gone.

Month Six: In which we all just watch the world fall down

... The Kids. The Forest Kids. I've mentioned them before, but to just... okay. They were this group of kids that walked into a forest that turned out to be a Loop and started to get picked off one by one. I figured it would be a simple rescue, get in, get out.

It wasn't. We were locked out. Writer. Writer did that.

But you all... wouldn't just let it lie there. Had to save them.

And they did.

Took them back to Elaine's safehouse called Hope...

which promptly fell not too long afterwards.

And before that, Michael...

Please don't make me talk about this

Steele came back and brought back a Houseguest with him, Elaine made the rendezvous and ended up here as well and then...




Month Seven: In which everything goes quiet

Long story short, the House gets worse, and we go silent. Doc... ended up amputating River's leg while she was under, and Steele went to stop her, which he did.

And as for me? We all find out later that I ran off like a rank idiot and gave myself to Father Slender himself to buy some time and fix the problem. It worked, surprisingly, but I was left incoherent and delusional and ended up accidentally running to Montreal, where I found Writer and Rhodes in what seemed to be a goddamn fucking cruel twist of fate. Sure, I was nearly brainwashed back into service, but Konaa showed up with all the timing of a perfect punchline, and with a little luck and A LOT of the element of surprise, we got out of the Loop and back to The House. The kid moved on, and I'll probably start deliveries again

From here, it'll probably be quiet. Well, at least I can hope so.


And that’s where we are about now. I guess since I’ll be the only one updating this, I’ll update it at the end of each month whenever something happens. So, you lazy bums, there’s your summary; you’re welcome.

Hugs and kisses, hope you don't mind the blood;

Spencer (and Colonel Leonicus F. Steele the Third, Esquire. Much love.) (and Lori "Doc" Serra) (And Sam, who doesn't do fancy titles.) (August, filling in the gaps Spence left behind.)


  1. In a supporting role, this dumbass.

  2. Jesus christ this thing is long. I didn't realize how much there was until I actually posted it.

    Wow. A lot has happened in these five months. It feels so strange looking back on it... we've all changed so much.

  3. Yeeeah. Heh, every time I show up everything goes to shit. Maybe I should stop doing that...